The date was January 16th, 1991. At exactly 6:66 PM, a series of earthquakes struck the tri-state area. Seismologists would later discover when mapping their epicenters that they formed a pentagram centered around an abandoned hospital in New Jersey. And so it was that Jesse Lucifurious Christian Pirnat was born.
With the head of a man, the torso of a man, and the legs of a baby boy, Jesse Lucifurious was instantly recognized as the Heir to the Iron Throne (the devil calls it the iron throne bcuz it’s covered in blood!!). His parents (two people of the same gender btw) celebrated their befoulment of nature by sacrificing thirteen goats, one on every day of the month until Friday the 13th.
From a young age, Jesse Lucifurious knew that he was special. He could speak to snakes, and make things move without touching them. He could walk through walls, disappear, and fly. He was much more unique than the other guys. His parents tried to keep his demonick nature a secret from the world, but Jesse would have none of that.
On his thirteenth birthday (also taking place on a Friday the 13th), Jesse Lucifurious ran away from home to begin his dark quest. With nothing to guide him except the desire to spread evil as far as he could, he came up with a plan. From his parents’ teachings, he knew that money was the root of all evil, so he began his journey by performing “magic” on the streets for donations, until he had raised enough money to travel to the JREF headquarters in Falls Church, Virginia, where he became the first person to ever win James Randi’s One Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge.
Just as planned, Jesse became an overnight sensation all across the world as the first person with true telekinetic powers. He took advantage of his fame by preaching messages of hope and wonder – that if science could learn to harness the forces behind satanic telekinesis (omitting the satanic part, of course), then humanity might be able to travel to the stars within a single generation. That if we could set aside our quarrels with each other and work towards improving our future rather than preserving our present, we could create heaven on earth.
Despite his growing fame and fortune, his cooperation with neurologists and physicists, and his calls for prison reform and an end to the war on drugs, a vocal minority hailing from numerous religions did not trust Jesse Lucifurious so easily. This, too, he expected. As his role model Abrahammed Hussein Lincoln once said, “You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.” Jesse knew he had nothing to fear from these conspiracy theorists. He continued preaching his ideals to a very enthusiastic public for the next several years.
A breakthrough came on Friday, April 13th, 2029, the two thousandth anniversary of Jesus’s death, when brain imaging technology was finally able to locate the neural cluster that gave Senator Pirnat his abilities, and proved once and for all that anyone was capable of the same feats. Three days later, the second telekinetic was confirmed.
The decade that followed saw the greatest social revolution since the Internet became commonplace. Superhumans became widespread. The automobile industry became obsolete as more people opted to fly everywhere. Groups as small as a dozen people regularly went on trips to the moon with nothing more than food supplies, specially built space capsules, and their combined mental thrust. Elon Musk wept. As President, Pirnat demolished the Federal Reserve and helped Bitcoin become an international standard in financial transactions. Reddit wept.
On Friday, June 13th, 2036, President Jesse Lucifurious Christian Pirnat finally declared his malevolent plan a total success. Bitcoin and societal reform and free transportation had made most people rich (thus evil, because money is the root of all evil). Colonies on the Moon and Mars were soon to be joined by asteroid belt mining operations (fulfilling his desire to spread evil as far as he could). Only the few fundamentalists still on earth who refused to learn his dark magicks remained pure. They were so few that no one even noticed when they were raptured away. But Jesse did not mind, nor would anyone else at this point. Let them have heaven, he thought. We’ll gladly take everything else.
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